Confined

Dying of Words
Cloistered
Becoming Numb
Trapped
In Silhouetted Dreams
Without A Word
Able To Escape
The Confines
Of My Chest
Lost
Behind The Glass
Still
Waiting
To Unravel
In Your Arms
And Bring You
Rapture

~ Valentyna Holloway ©

Do Not Reproduce Poetry In Whole Or In Part Without Permission

© @ValentyneDreams — Valentyna Holloway 2015

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Seeking Redemption

I held back my words
quietly swallowing the poison
dragging myself up from the abyss
with bloodied hands
and scraped knees.
I looked back towards the ground
as the silence and I took a solemn vow
to become best friends.
I would not use my voice.
I would not scream my displeasure.
I would not tell You that I knew.
Instead I let the overwhelming drowning
take me, holding on to Your words to me.
Letting the syllables slip under my skin.
Choking my anger,
my acquiescence,
my pain.
That my own fear had driven You to this
because I couldn’t reach out,
I couldn’t hold You,
I couldn’t let my feelings slip out of my lips.
I held everyting back and let the world
get it’s ugly hands on me and I withdrew
from the fight with a whimper not a roar.
I waged a quiet war inside me and I
forgot what my strength was.
I forgot there were times I had to pick my backbone
off of the floor where it had turned to water
from Your touch and defend myself.
I was content to silently swing inside a cage,
a songbird with graceful notes and
gentle fluttering wings until the door got
kicked open needlessly and I began to fall to the ground.
I could push aside all of these things,
all of the cacophony of the world,
the demanding overwhelming raised fists
of the demons creating my turmoil
vanished
and I submitted to the pleasure of being Yours.
But it is what it is
and there is no turning back the clock to yesterday.
I have to forget all of these things.
And concentrate on the only thing I remember:
I love You.
Because You made me open up my eyes to the Divine.
Because You gently stroked my dead heart to a pulse.
Because You created emotions I name after You.
And deep down
I know You love me too.

~ Valentyna Holloway ©

Do Not Reproduce Poetry In Whole Or In Part Without Permission

© @ValentyneDreams — Valentyna Holloway 2015

Intensity

I keep trying to reach all the way around
and hold myself together, but I can’t do it
unless I am in Your arms. The love keeps
seeping out and I can’t stop it from spilling
into words. I tore the sheets apart lost in the
tattered pieces of nightmare I never want to
feel the intensity of again. I needed Your arms
to gather me in and take the shaking away,
the darkness that didn’t evaporate with the
sunrise. I sat on the floor and sobbed because
I don’t know how to convey how sad I am all
the time and how scared something that
wasn’t even real made me. I needed You to
reach into the abyss where the darkness
had taken me and bring me back. I would
never hurt You, I love You. I could never
bring You harm. I just don’t know how to
express myself unless I write it down. The
things I can’t say. The movements I can’t make.
The way I want to walk to You and take You by
the hands and tell You how deeply I love You and
that my feelings for You will never change. Your
love is rooted around my ribcage. The flowers
keep blooming but never die. The caterpillars
eat them to turn into the butterflies that
flutter around inside me when I feel Your
love. I want to lose myself in that intensity,
I never want to go a day without feeling it.
To me that is the definition of Hell. Even
the kettle stayed silent this morning in
reverence of my Prayers for You. Whispering
a litany over and over as I stood at the window
as if that alone would will You to walk up behind
me and put Your arms around me. My words are
all I have because I will always be frightened I
will be unable to make You understand with my
voice alone that my love for You is unwavering.
Walk up behind me, turn me to You, hold me
close and feel my heart beats only for You,
and I will whisper I love You over and over
until You understand that I mean it.

~ Valentyna Holloway

Do Not Reproduce Poetry In Whole Or In Part Without Permission

© @ValentyneDreams — Valentyna Holloway 2015

Unsuspecting Roses

Raindrops on the last roses of summer,
the soft scent of petrichor blowing through
the open window. Slowly, rhythmically
adding ingredients, memory of a moment
creeping in as my fingers knead the dough
beginning to form under my fingers. Tears
welled in my eyes as I remember fragments
of something I wrote of while baking before.
Words of love written in pure intent. The
sky begins to clear as my hands fumble
with the bread, it’s not perfect, neither am I,
I won’t profess to be. I am broken, scarred,
fragile, as frail as the petals that cling to the
purple blooms and I don’t know how to convey
what I am feeling inside. The words refuse
to come out. The scent of baking bread
permeates the air as I am mesmerised
watching the dough rise and turn colour.
The things I want to tell You escaping my
fingers in letters I will never give You. There
would never be a right time. I worry You
would brush them off anyway. I take the bread
from the oven and set it by the window to cool.
All I can think of is how I want to share this
with You. Words written with unwilling fingers,
sacred words penned for You that fall unceasingly
from my heart, even though the syllables feel
unappreciated. I set the table, longing to share
the bread with You but unable to say it. Instead
I look out the window at the garden listening to
mellifluous birdsong causing an unwanted smile.
Unconsciously turning to thoughts of You and
teardrops from Heaven on unsuspecting roses.

~ Valentyna Holloway ©

Rosesintherain3

Do Not Reproduce Poetry In Whole Or In Part Without Permission

© @ValentyneDreams — Valentyna Holloway 2015

Battle

I don’t want to fight with You.
I don’t want to mourn the loss
of You as unbearably loud as
the mournful cry of wolves
howling at the moon. I don’t
want to long for Your memory.
I don’t want to twist the knife
into my own heart over the
agony that my anger shakes
Yours. I don’t want to be a
broken toy in a broken box
with broken hinges when I
could be safe in Your arms
with Your voice soothing me.
Your kisses comforting me.
I come back, crawl, tear my
fingernails dragging myself
out. Drag myself back from
the ash of the volcano, reaching
for You to pull me out like
You pulled me back from the
dead. Like You were hovering
in the doorway of light.
Beckoning me. Flicking the
match that lit the flame and
burned my heart into passionate
existence. I don’t want to mourn
the loss of You. I want to rejoice
in the splendor of You. I don’t
want to fight with You ~ because
I have no fight in my soul
without You.

~ Valentyna Holloway ©

Do Not Reproduce Poetry In Whole Or In Part Without Permission

© @ValentyneDreams — Valentyna Holloway 2015

ἀδιάφορα (Adiaphora)

You reached to the underworld and
pulled me from the soil, brushing
the elegant lonliness of despair from
my torn heart. Caressing the ache with
gentle hands and intent in Your fingers.
Turning me from a loveless cringing
sigh of solutide into a siren of
ravenous desire for You alone.
Gently soothing my timid heart
with words of adoration
until it began to beat like the
exquisite creature You insisted I was.
Each pulse thrumming:
(love me. love me. love me.)

~ Valentyna Holloway ©

Do Not Reproduce Poetry In Whole Or In Part Without Permission

© @ValentyneDreams — Valentyna Holloway 2015